


Old Habits Die Hard

by Luu1234



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Quick oneshot, Yuri, crowns, failed angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 22:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2085822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luu1234/pseuds/Luu1234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana has many crowns.</p><p>So, of course, she had her favorites and her least favorites. The ones she loathed and the ones she was fond of wearing. And the ones she held close to her heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Habits Die Hard

**Author's Note:**

> I didnt no any good titles for it
> 
> Im still a terrible writer so plot, grammar, and spelling are terrible. Also really short. But ey, im trying, ill get better sooner or later.
> 
> Love you!

There was the small blue crown which was made with three thin silver wires. They were braided into a circle with shiny clear blue beads woven throughout the the crown. The crown look like a halo made from water Morgana had once said to her father, the man who crafted it. It was also the crown she took with her to Camelot. The crown reminded of home.

The second crown was a purple crown. It was a little big for her at the time with grand purple diamonds engraved around it. It was resembled Uther's crown with all the different carvings all around it and seven wide spikes all around it with a dark bronze color. It had reminded her of what a shriveled up burnt dragon would have looked like, but she had never said it out loud. It was also the first crown Uther given her since she was in Camelot. Morgana despised the crown.

The next crown was a white crown. It was a light weighted crown. It was made of thick silver wires that whirled as it circled her head and made a spike in the center, where a diamond was embedded. Other smaller diamonds littered the crown, making it shine even brighter in the sun. Morgana had said it was a halo of light. It was the crown she was wearing when she first talked to Arthur. Morgana only wore it for special occasions.

The fourth was a bronze simple crown, given as a gift from a visiting king. It had two shorter spikes and a taller spike in between them. There were three yellow gems under each spike. Morgana broke the crown while playing with it one afternoon. She hid it the her chest full of toys in fear Uther would yell at her. For what it was worth, it was her favorite crown to play princess with.

The next was not really a crown, but more like a head ornament. But Morgana loved it as much as the next crown. There was a deep red stone that dangled on her forehead with three gold chains that held it in place on her head. She had worn it at the feast when Gwen had introduced her to Merlin. 

Then there was the last one. It was a golden flower crown that Uther had presented to her on her sixteenth birthday. The flowers looked delicate, like they were real with rubies at the center of each flower. Gwen had said it looked lovely. The crown had a special place in her heart. 

"Gwen, did you hear everything?" Morgana asked from in front of the mirror. "Uh, yes milady. I'll get right to it." Gwen flinched, snapping her head back to Morgana. She quickly wiped her cheek as if trying to wash away the blush and hastily fumbled with the bed sheet. Morgana watched in amusement. Gwen was a productive girl, putting her work before her desires. She was never one to ask for things. Morgana had always admire how Gwen was able to cover up her wants and needs so easily, but Morgana knew better; she was Gwen's best friend after all. Morgana looked over to where Gwen was glancing. 

"Gwen." Morgana called. Gwen jumped and quickly answered, "Y-yes? Is there something you need?" Morgana laughed at Gwen's reaction and beckoned her over. Gwen gave her a questioning look as she crossed the room. Morgana stood, taking Gwen's hands into her's and pulled her into the empty chair. "Morgana?" Gwen asked, lifting an eyebrow. "Sh, stay." Morgana said, smiling brightly. She put Gwen's hand on her lap neatly and left to retrieve the crown sitting on her table. As soon as Gwen realized what Morgana was doing she began to stand. 

"O-oh no! I-i can't, Morgana." Gwen said shamefully. Her cheek were bright red now as she bowed her head in embarrassment. "Uh uh." Morgana said in a teasing tone and shook her head. She smirked at the fidgeting servant girl as if daring her to disobey the king's ward. "Don't move." Morgana commanded. Gwen's brows knitted together in worry while she bit her bottom lip as if decided to sit or not. Of course, Gwen sat back down again. Morgana set the crown on her head. 

It was heavier than Gwen imagined. It had felt strange to Gwen, she always thought that crowns that princess and kings wore were weightless.

Morgana adjusted her to face the mirror and stepped back to grab a comb. She ran the comb through her maid's hair who was looking at herself in a daze. "You're beautiful." Morgana cooed as she wrapped her arms around Gwen's neck when she was done combing out the knots. She rested her chin on Gwen curly head taking in her scent. It smelt like wool and lavender. She looked at the mirrored image of them. She wanted to stop time and just stay in this moment forever. She wanted to remember what it felt to embrace her beloved, what it felt to be utterly and perfectly happy. She wanted to remember the warmth of Gwen's neck against her arms.

She has always loved Gwen, ever since the day they first met. However she knew her place, she was the king's ward and Gwen's was just a serving girl. It kept Morgana awake for many nights. The thought that Gwen could never be her's was something Morgana couldn't bear thinking. But she knew far too well, soon, Uther will marry her off to a son of a noble family. And Gwen will find someone that she loves and their path will soon part as she lives with her true love and Morgana... To live in a lie for the rest of her life. Her feelings could never become words that slip past her lips. They can only ever be thoughts that lingered in her mind where only she could know them.

That was the first time she felt it deep within her. Following a familiar butterfly feeling, something erupted inside Morgana. First it bubbled over, like overwhelming happiness, then it slower slid over her like a calm wave. It felt welcoming, as if it should be there. It spread throughout her like warm water. Every spark, every swirl it made, Morgana could feel it. Then a faded as soon as it started, leaving a comforting, airy feeling. 

Morgana found herself releasing a long content breath. Her eyes never left the mirror and for the slightly second- just a little- Morgana really thought she had stopped time from passing. 

She smiled at her silly thought and slid her hand down Gwen's arm to grab the dazed girl's hand. "Come on." Morgana said. She couldn't suppressed her happiness, letting a giggle pass her lips. Gwen squealed in surprise as she was spun into her mistress's arms. She smiled, laughing when her eyes met with Morgana's. Morgana uncoiled her out of her arms and kissed Gwen's hand. "May I have this dance, Princess Guinevere?" Morgana asked as her bowed head without breaking eye contact. Gwen laughed, putting her unoccupied hand to her lips as to hide her smile. "Yes you may, your majesty." Gwen replied and made a playful curtsey. Morgana lifted her head and placed her hand on her "princess's" hip while Gwen placed her's on Morgana's shoulder. They glided through the room with graced, never once breaking their gaze on each other. They matched each other's every step like they were one. Morgana's long dress dragged on the ground behind them. This really wasn't a dress for dancing, Morgana thought. Gwen's crown glittered a beautiful red every time she spun around. Laughter erupted from their throat as they became more and more dizzy from the spinning. 

Soon they flopped onto the bed together and laughed until their sides ached. Morgana let out a sigh, turning to see Gwen's bright, sincere smile that she loved. Gwen soon felt her stare and turned to star-strucked girl. Morgana smiled when she felt her heart begin to race. Her hand found their way to Gwen's, intertwining themselves. Morgana shifted to the side to get a better look at Gwen. The crown was still perched on her head with the ruby reflecting the light that entered through the window. Morgana bit the corner of her lip as she continued to stare at Gwen's beauty.

Suddenly all the feeling she had held back came flowing through her. She couldn't stop to unbearable urge screaming in her. If you don't do anything, she'll be forever out of your reach, it screamed. 

So Morgana did something. First leaning forward to see what the peasant girl would do. When she saw that Gwen made no movement to leave, Morgana claimed her lips. It was a small sweet kiss that seemed to steal her breath away. Her lips were amazing on Morgana's that it left her wanting more. There was so much in Morgana's head at the moment. It was happiness, triumph, but sadness as well. 

This couldn't continue. It would never work out. She had to stop before she hurt herself even more. Or worst, before she hurt Gwen.

She pulled back slowly and watched Gwen's eyes slowly open. They eyes affixed to each other for a moment, listening to each other breathe. "I love you." Morgana had whispered then. 

She never wore the crown. It just sat quietly with the others. And from time to time, Morgana caught Gwen glance over to where the crown was and so would Gwen. But they never said anything out loud.

-

"Do you remember this?" Morgana asked holding the crown carefully in her hands. Gwen folded the cloak in her hands as she looked over. She smiled and set the cloak down. She made her way next to Morgana to take a better look. The crown still looked like it did the first day Uther had given it to her. "Of course I do." Gwen answered. 

Morgana's face lit up when she heard her answer. Gwen returned her smile as she thought how childish Morgana looked right now. "Here." Morgana said as her placed it on Gwen's head. Once again, Gwen bowed her head in shyness, like the first time she was presented with the crown. "You don't have to do this, you know." Gwen murmured shyly. Morgana giggled at her shy form, "Nonsense. I'm the queen now. You can wear it as often as you want." Gwen blushed, but looked at her. "That's very kind of you. Thank you, milady." She said. Morgana held Gwen's warm hands, drawing circles with her thumb. "No need to be so polite. We're friends, remember?" Morgana reassured. Gwen nodded and released her hands from Morgana. 

She took off the crown and placed it back in Morgana's hands. "I'm sorry, but I need to wash the clothes and feed the pigs. Wouldn't want to get it dirty." Gwen smiled apologetically. Morgana nodded understandingly, "It's alright, Gwen. I understand." Gwen did a small bow before storing the cloak properly in the closet before disappearing out the door. 

Morgana's smile disappeared as Morgause knocked on the door. She opened it and let Morgause step into her chambers. "Is everything ready?" She said. Morgana smiled, "Yes, don't worry." Morgause hugged her tightly, "You've done well, sister." "Yes, yes." Morgana muttered into her sister's shoulder. She couldn't deny her heart twisted slightly in pain thinking about how her friend had betrayed her. 

But she would never tell anyone.

-

Gwen furrowed her brows as her rummaged through the various boxes in laid untouched in Morgana's old chambers. "Where is it?" She whispered quietly to no one. Her own heavy crown resting on her head as she searched. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't find it. She was Morgana's maidservant. She had cleaned this room hundreds of times over before. She knew where everything was even after so long. So where was it? "Milady? Is everything alright?" A voice called to her from behind. Gwen turned to see her own maidservant, standing in the doorway. She had peeked her head in and was looking at Gwen with concern. Gwen sighed and stood up, dusting off anything that could have got caught on her silk dress. "Sefa." Gwen addressed her, "Everything's fine. I was just looking for something, that's all." Sefa nodded, "Oh. Did you find it?" Gwen shook her head sadly, "No. No, I didn't." But Gwen quickly recovered, smiling brightly at Sefa, "But it's alright. It wasn't... Important." Sefa just nodded again and smiled. She stepped out of the room with Gwen. 

That night, Sefa left Camelot to inform her father about her new information about the king's route. However she couldn't get the queen's strange behavior out of her head. Sefa shook her head. 

"No, no it's couldn't be anything important." She told herself. Her father gave her a concerned look, "What is it, Sefa?" Sefa jumped a little, realizing that she had said it a loud. "It's nothing, honestly. It just... I saw the queen searching for something in the Lady Morgana's chambers." Her father now shared the same confusion as she did. "That's strange..." He said, "I'll talk to Morgana about it. You've done well, Sefa." They hugged each other tightly before he placed a kiss on her cheek. Sefa smiled, putting her hood back on and headed back.

Meanwhile Ruadan traveled back to where Morgana was, passing the information on. "By any chance, Morgana, did you leave something behind? Back in Camelot." Ruadan cautiously asked. Morgana glanced at him with uncertainty at the mention of Camelot. "No. What is it, Ruadan?" Morgana pressed. "It's the queen. She was searching in your chambers for something." Ruadan told her. 

At this Morgana avert her eyes, pondering for a second. Her face was emotionless as she thought. "The girl is weak, like I said. She cares too much about the past. Do not worry about her." Morgana gave him a sadistic smile before returning to her place next to the window. "Leave me." She said grimly. Ruadan bowed, departing with his escorts. 

"All of you." Morgana clarified. The guard looked that each other and swiftly left, not daring to question her. When she heard the doors lock again, she crouched down feeling her hands against the tiles. She felt one shift under her hand and quickly lifted it. Morgana quietly sighed in relief and picked up the object from the ground. She allowed herself to run her fingers across the delicate design, cleaning away the dust it had coated itself on it. The red rubies never lost it's shine despite it's lack of attention. Morgana had always liked that about her crowns, no matter how neglected, they would still shine in the sun; even that one horrid purple crown. You were looking for it, aren't you, she thought to herself. Morgana felt the butterflies in her stomach that she learned to ignore. Her jaw tensed as she attempted to suppress the pain that always followed after. 

Maybe if she treated her better. Or maybe she had told Gwen at the very beginning. Morgana always wondered, would she have sided with her then?

-

Morgana never mention or gave Gwen the crown when she was controlling her. Morgana knew that no matter how many times she would say it, no matter how times she kissed her, Gwen didn't really love her. 

This wasn't the Guinevere she felt in love with. 

It was just a shell that Morgana manipulated like a puppet. Morgana was the one who had done this with her. She sometimes wanted to vomit in disgust at herself. How could she do this to her friend, her love? It was hard telling if she hated the Pendragons more or loved Gwen more. But for now, she was happy for what she had. She was ok with a hollow Gwen. Because at least now she could hear the words she longed to hear for so many years.

-

It was Morgana's last night in her castle. Tomorrow they were going to rage war on Arthur; where he was destined to die. Morgana found herself, alone, at the window in her throne room with a familiar ruby crown in her hands. She whispered a small spell under her breath. Her turned gold for a second before a puddle of lavenders grew and assembled itself into a figure behind her. Morgana turned to look at her work. Morgana used to think that if Gwen was a flower, she'd be a lavender. It was also the flowers Gwen gave her to cheer her up when she couldn't sleep. 

"You cheer me up." 

Morgana remembered saying. She walked forward, placing the crown on the figure's head. "May I have this dance, Princess Guinevere?" Morgana repeated the words she said that day. She held her hand out, waiting for it to accept her offer. It laid a flowered hand onto Morgana and did a curtsey. The hand was soft and delicate. Morgana thought it would fall apart at the slightest touch despite it was conjured with magic. 

She placed her hand and it's hip and it planted it's hand on her shoulder. They danced like how Gwen and Morgana had on that day. But it was only Morgana there, this time, to laughed as they became dizzier with every spin. Her ragged dress flopped along her legs with each step. This really isn't a good dress to dance in, Morgana thought. 

She imagined they were back in her chambers again. When they were young and innocent. When none of this had happened yet. Far back before the nightmares began or before she met Morgause. Morgana closed her eyes and remember Gwen's smiling face with they danced. She remembered how sweet her laughter was. It made Morgana smile again. 

At one point Mordred had enter the room. He watched the last high priestess dance with flowered figure and laughed like she did when he first met her. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips seeing Morgana happy again. Soon Morgana stopped in the center of room, and left the flowers fall again in puddle at her feet. A shining crown sat on top of the pile. She opened her hand slightly to seeing a stray flower caught in her palm. "You miss her," Mordred said from behind her back, "You miss Camelot, don't you?" Morgana swallowed and lifted her chin, letting her hand fall to her side. "It's far too late to go back to those times." Morgana merely remarked. Her hand cruelly curled itself around the flower. 

"You should rest." Mordred advised. Morgana approached Mordred, "I haven't slept with comfort for five whole years. One more night won't make a difference." Morgana left Mordred in the throne room along with the crown. Morgana didn't bother to put it back this time. It was more important things to do.

-

Morgana screamed in frustration as she paced around the room impatiently. Emrys has once again made a fool out of her, Mordred was dead, and Arthur was still alive. Her knuckles were white from how hard she was clenching them. Then the sight of purple caught her eye. Her looked at the pile of flower on her floor along with the crown that her once cradled so dearly. In a fit of anger, she kicked the pile as hard as she could. The flower scattered throughout the floor while others stayed still in a messy pile. The crown scraped across the floor and hit wall with a loud clang. The small jingles that followed signified that one or maybe more ruby had fallen out from the impact. Morgana glared at the broken crown, it wasn't enough. 

She wanted it gone. Setting the flowers on fire, Morgana hurled the crown in it. Unlike wood, the flowers didn't crackle, they hissed and shrunk in the flames. 

Morgana grinned as she watched the gold melt into a liquid with the ashes of flowers. The door suddenly opened as two guards entered. "Morgana, we've gotten word of where Arthur is heading." Morgana smired, "Then prepare the horses." They nodded, leaving as Morgana made her way out the door behind them. The puddle was left pathetically on the ground behind Morgana's throne. 

As she mounted her horse, her mind wondered back to the melted crown. In the spur of the moment, it felt wonderful ruining the crown, but now Morgana was beginning to regret it. The crown was quite beautiful Morgana admitted. She'd fix it once she got back, she thought. It wasn't like it was going anywhere. Morgana smiled to herself thinking of different spell to fix the crown with as she rode off in search of Arthur.

Except, Morgana never did returned.


End file.
